The Not So Obvious

It's right there. I'm on the verge yet again. The precipice of my subconscious looms before me like a giant grouper's gaping maw--yawning wide in an attempt to engulf its prey. I'm supposed to see something, at least that's what this vision leads me into.

The prey, me, fears the unknown within the depths. Me, I, Jason would prefer the succor of escapism, and a predetermined life sentence of mind numbing work and entertainment. This illusion offered to the masses; neat, polished, and perfect.

I want to rest easy, enveloped in the sweet saccharin goodness of what Hulu, Xbox, and the local cannabis dispensary has to offer. I exist on the fringe secretly lusting after the status quo, for wealth and a life of ease, yet ever so defiant of 'the system'.

I used to think my biggest fear rested in my potential for greatness. Now it centers somewhere around the idea that I was delusional in thinking so. I've come to terms with the possibility that this constant gnawing, this deep seated fear actually stems from my potential for normalcy. Perhaps my motives have been misguided. Perhaps having a stable living situation, and finding a niche I can carve out for myself is a lot more gratifying than I thought it was.

My ability to rest in the moments and be rapt of this amazing life and all the possibilities has waned. Now, when I find myself drifting into what could be it is often abruptly objected with thoughts of ‘reality’. The sheer vastness of my dried up sense of creativity washes over me as I’m reminded of what little I have, and what little I’ve built.

I don’t mind mentioning that I’m scared of having used up all my creative juice, my magic. I’ve tangled the lines in an inexplicable knot and am stuck here with this ball of madness. This type of thinking leaves me faced with a lifetime of pretending, with pretend smiles, and pretend jobs, and pretend activities, and pretend relationships. There’s a point to all of this isn’t there? What am I missing?

I think about what makes me happy, and after I follow the rabbit down the hole of fortune, fame, and success I arrive back at my tired self with one simple thought in my mind. It's people. Who are these people around me, and why in the hell are they still here? Soon I realize that my very best moments are shared with them; family, friends, and animals alike.

Entering my 40’s I find myself feeling squeezed out of the big picture, out of the dream and back to reality. Here and now I am humbled by my present surroundings. This is where I’ve chosen to be. These people who surround me have chosen me, and I them. I notice what I have and my heart fills with gratitude. Yes, I have food, shelter, clothing, but most importantly; I’m not alone! It does amaze me at times that I think I’m such a horrible person. Especially when I see who chooses to be close to me. In light of them I've come to the realization that I must not be too terrible!

These are my heroes. These amazing people are amazing not in their outward appearance, not in their stock portfolios, they aren't accepting any keys to the city, or saving a drowning babies. Not one of them has ever caught a falling busload of innocent school children from careening off of a cliff and set it gently back on the pavement. No they haven’t done anything too extraordinary in that way.

These people are my heroes because they have found their groove in all this mess. They may not always have their shit together, I know we aren’t perfect. But, I am impressed with their integrity and compassion for each other. I am impressed by their ability to care for one another and to bite the bullet and do what’s best for the greater good when they may not want to.

They are a scrappy bunch; they’re smart and hard working. These are the type of folks you come across every day, everywhere, and unless you know them you would never know just how inherently great they are. These are the people closest to me. They resonate with the qualities I most admire. They are my teachers, every one of them from young to old. They cherish things like honesty, loyalty, reliability, hard work, independence, generosity, humility, and forgiveness.

These are my friends and family -- life’s gift to me. These are my guides to set me straight and help me navigate when the waters are rough. They help me to be a better person without ever trying. Yes, my life is messy. But, as I grow older I’m noticing the clues, mostly the mirrors in those around me. I must say that I am rather impressed.